7 questions

Sooooo Facebook is making me ask myself 7 important questions.  Why not answer them here?

1. What would you do with your life if you didn’t have to pay the bills? If money weren’t an issue, what would you do with your days? Would you write? Read? Sing? Whatever it is, you have to do that thing. Money is an interesting phenomenon that completely controls our everyday lives without having any purpose other than sustainability in the form of purchasing from others what we could produce and create right in our own backyards. Consider that when you’re deciding between a soulless job that will make you rich versus a life that will feed your passions.

-Chill in coffee shops and work on comics, art, music.

-Picket outside schools about adultism and hand out free books.

-Offer my time to work in a library or on a farm or in a cafe.

-Try to save the world in every way possible (because there are simply too many to list right now)

2. What cuts you the deepest? So much is defined by what we’re most affected by. Really, what do you not even want to think about right now because it brings you so much emotion? Let those things in, and sit with them. Consider them. Integrate them in your life. We call this acceptance. It doesn’t mean you have to like it, it just means it is something that moves you very deeply for some reason, so you shouldn’t ignore it. Figure out what that reason is.

-Many things cut me deep.  The many ills of this world/society, the many inner turmoils I face on my own, the many things I know I cannot help...  But I try to remember one thing: problems can only do two things.  They can kill you, or they can force you to get creative and grow out of it.  For example, one day our sun will explode.  We can either grieve and wait to explode or we can think how awesome it'll be to be space travelers.  Without that inevitability, we might never be forced to transcend our Earthly place.  For another example, I have faced a lot of anguish in my life.  It didn't kill me, but it has helped me find the humility and empathy to be a decent person.  I could be mad, or I could enjoy it. ... But to stop avoid the question, the things that cut me deepest are being trans and the abomination of a society our elders have created.

3. If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today? Live for today or plant seeds for tomorrow.  What path is most important for you to take before you embark on that new road we call death?

-I'd listen to this song on repeat (and maybe this one too).  I'd also write a long letter to family and friends.  I'd tell my siblings some truths I've kept from them.  I'd print up a copy of my blog, find all my old drawings, take down the things my students made for me over the years off my wall, compile a big compilation of the joys of my life and plan a ceremony to celebrate life...  Don't mourn my death.  Death sounds like a wonderful adventure-- and I'll see you there.

4. Who do you love and why do you love them? The first people that come to mind are very much a part of who you are. But what’s even more important is why you love these people. Where is your love and what is it based on?

-Love is complicated for me.  Seeing matter and "people" as interchangable allows me to love notes forged with intensity, songs sung with tears, moments lost in time, random strangers full of pain, as well as close individuals with whom I share intimate or non-intimate relations.  ... OK, yeah, to answer the question without copping out, I will say my family... Yet I will say my family is far more than simply the ones who share my blood.  You know who you are.

5. What do you quote? I’m always interested by what people quote, especially on social media, because really, they’re not bringing your attention to something that someone wise said as much as they are trying to tell you something about themselves. Look at what you want to perpetuate to other people, when you yourself can’t find the words. What strikes you most is who you are.

-I have the most eclectic and varied quote stores in my brain.  If this were D&D, I'd have devoted a feat to it.  However, I find myself quoting Rumi more often than anyone else these days.  That old lecherous fart... he knew some shit.

6. In those rare but life-changing moments, how do you act?  When you’re at the end of your rope and you have to make a decision, which way do you choose? Notice the patterns in the paths you choose to take. Notice how you help others when they ask for it. Notice more how you help when they don’t. Your instinctive, intuitive reactions do say something about you. I know some would argue that instincts are just by-products of technically being animals, but our instincts are also formed by the thoughts that we craft in our minds.

-I make many calculations and fortify myself with knowledge, but at the end of the day, I follow my instinct and I listen to the language of the world which deafens me to much that logic and reasoning whispers in my ear.  I don't find these moments rare.  Every day is an explosion of action and reaction, the great cosmic dance of Shiva.  There is a flow and once in line with it, I believe every moment of your life becomes life-changing.  I'll tell you for sure if that's true once I'm in line with that flow.

7. What do you think about most? It’s the little things that add up and create who you are, and if you really want to see where you’re at, write down the things you think about most. They are where you are most invested. They are where you are most curious, interested, perplexed, pained and inspired. These are the things and people who most tell you who you are, because they are the things and people who have remained with you, even if they’re not physically there anymore.

-hmmm.  Gender, how to make society better, higher states of consciousness, humility at the vastness of the universe, and joy at all the simple things.

School nightmares

Another nightmare about school. I was not teaching, I was subbing or something. So I was much more laid back. I was talking to my students about how much the grading system sucks, but praising where it came from. They agreed like most pubescents about the ills, but I was beginning to open some eyes with the goods and transitioning into how to transform things constantly in order to keep up with the world.

Weird events in the school were occurring due to water I think. The principal came in and asked if he could interrupt to talk about "that event with the note" I had no idea what he was talking about but I could smell trouble and was terrified.

Apparently, a student had taken a note I had written about going to get an apple and changed parts of it into something bad and posted it on my website. I argued that I have not updated my website in months as per our agreement. He still pursued.

This student was also causing the massive electrical and water leaks in the building. And now I had no idea where he was now that an alarm was about to go off. Huge bad juju as he was my responsibility if the worst were to happen.

I felt awful. I felt like I had failed my students. This feeling haunts me. Ever since deciding to leave, I constantly wonder and worry what if. Would their lives be better if I had stayed? Did I not make a promise to give myself to others? How am I living up to that promise by doing what I am now? These fears are what scare me now. I had long forgotten what fear meant, but now I remember. Death nor the fear of mortal injury make me afraid. It is the idea of failing at my purpose-- that makes me afraid.

But is not the fear of death linked to failure? No. I have done what I have wished to do in this life. There are many things I still wish to teach, many actually involving my route to death. For instance, I would die before using a gun to kill another. Even to save another 100. This foolery will lead directly to my death, but a small message remains. I did what is right. Now and forever. Likewise with my whole life. I am doing what is right and have made the world a better place while living. What more is there to do? I am infertile, no one depends on me, I won't be letting anyone down, I won't have any regrets. I will die happy.

But failing at my mission. That creates regret. That regret becomes fear. That fear becomes anger. That anger becomes hatred. And as we all know, hatred is the path to the dark side. Not my cup of tea, thank you.

But it was a dream. I have not let them down. I know this because I am still with many of them. In many ways more than I ever was. Certainly aided by being a happier and more internally just person as a result of leaving. I can be honest with them instead of being their teacher who can't say certain things.

So where did this fear come from?

Probably the chocolate caramel bar I ate before bed. Mmmmmmm.

Crippling depression

Sometimes I just need to escape into complete solitude. Normal, living human beings spur inside me a jealousy and a sadness I simply cannot bear. I uncontrollably break out into tears. I am not exaggerating.

Mid conversation, I get up and leave for apparently no reason.
"Where are you going?" My roommate asks.
"Somewhere else," is all I can reply with the faintest hint of sobbing in my voice. My acting skills have become rusty.

What causes it? Is it the ease with which other people are able to simply be that I cannot grasp? Is it the utter regret that my entire life spurs into existence? Or is it nothing at all that causes the teardrops falling like rain onto my iPad screen as I sit alone in the bathroom? One may never know.

The same roommate spoke to me as we were buying tampons, milk, and other necessities at the store. She said, "I wish there were more people like you in the world. Just helpful for no reason." To which I could only reply, "I don't... To have a person like me, you have to have the events that forged me and I would not wish those or any similar events on any soul, no matter what good came of it-- to do so would be sadistic to the point of damnation."

The most tangible silence of my life followed those words.

I'd like to hope that I am being over dramatic, but when I realize that I am sitting in my bathroom because I am quite literally unable to stop the tears streaming down my face, when my roommate comes in to try to cheer me up and I have to send her away because her presence is making me claustrophobic to the point of hyperventilating tears, ... I realize that I am not. The pain that makes me who I am ... is fucking awful.

As a suicide prevention moderator, I have been able to help others back from that most precarious edge, but not without its own share of risks. The other night, I dealt with a young girl with much pain and a knife to relieve it. I have moderated hundreds of crises with no problem, but her situation awoke in me something that I had thought was long behind me. I became paralyzed with something I could not explain. I couldn't help her. I knew what to say, but I also knew she would not listen. The only advice I could give would go unheard and I knew it. Everything felt futile and lost. I was returned to the place with no hope. I called for help and was assisted by a superhero named Remus. He helped me resolve her struggles for the evening, but my wounds were open again. I cried myself to sleep that night, unable to control the volume of my sobs. Again I was saved by a loving friend's comforting arms.

Given a poll of random persons who have interacted with me, I think the consensus would be that the world would be a worse place without me and what pain I must have experienced is worth it for what I have become and the good I bring on a daily basis. However, in the deepest, blackest portion of my existence, I honestly think that they are all wrong.

But I am not alone.

And for that I continue, for I know I never will be alone. To help another is to help thyself. There is no 'you' and there is no 'me.' We are all one and in each one of us there is all.