Updated at least twice a week! (best catchphrase EVER)



As a physicist there was always one rule to follow. Mass must be conserved-- energy must be conserved. Einstein taught us the two are the same. This rule was always so comforting, but it always strictly laid the distinction between the laws of nature and the laws of man. This rule makes sense to us. If we have five apples, we can't make ten apples by putting them into a machine. Yet that distinction comes when we realize that as humans we break that rule every day. Think of love. What goes in? What comes out? Think of a choir concert or another amazing piece of music. What goes in? What comes out? Always more comes out. Always.

This distinction always gave me pause. How are man and nature different? How is this fundamental principal of our sciences allowed to be "broken" daily?

Backyard scientists are discovering that this basic tenant is not incorrect, simply avoidable by fueling what is being described as feeding the toroidal field. When we feed the toroidal source of a living creature, love emerges-- when we feed a toroidal mechanism, what are being called gravity waves emerge. The result is the appearance of a loss in mass of a localized system. The perfection of this technology could yield a system with zero mass... Or less. The implications are as simple as the fabled hover board a la Back to the Future or even as grand as FTL (faster than light) travel.

I'll just let that sink in for a bit.


Maybe when we start forgetting about who killed who and how best to kill him back, we will start thinking of how to use these technologies to free the world from the shackles if the universal petro-dollar and usher in a new age where the term "survival" is lost from our dictionaries. Until then and thereafter, I'll still be writing and exploring how to make this world a better place. Whether through art, music, and kindness. Whether through science, politics, and humanity. My hope remains strong-- Thanks to those in my life who have shown me the true face of this world.


Internet Realization

Was just abusing the internet now that I have it again.

People are making fun of hairstyles in the 80s and clothes from the 90s.

Do people just not REALIZE that we are going to be making fun of hair/clothes/stuff from the "double-0s" and the '10s in just a few years?


I just posted a bajillion posts I had back logged in my notepad from when I was moving and without Internet. Sorry. A few are also a little depressing. Sorry? Love~

School nightmares

Another nightmare about school. I was not teaching, I was subbing or something. So I was much more laid back. I was talking to my students about how much the grading system sucks, but praising where it came from. They agreed like most pubescents about the ills, but I was beginning to open some eyes with the goods and transitioning into how to transform things constantly in order to keep up with the world.

Weird events in the school were occurring due to water I think. The principal came in and asked if he could interrupt to talk about "that event with the note" I had no idea what he was talking about but I could smell trouble and was terrified.

Apparently, a student had taken a note I had written about going to get an apple and changed parts of it into something bad and posted it on my website. I argued that I have not updated my website in months as per our agreement. He still pursued.

This student was also causing the massive electrical and water leaks in the building. And now I had no idea where he was now that an alarm was about to go off. Huge bad juju as he was my responsibility if the worst were to happen.

I felt awful. I felt like I had failed my students. This feeling haunts me. Ever since deciding to leave, I constantly wonder and worry what if. Would their lives be better if I had stayed? Did I not make a promise to give myself to others? How am I living up to that promise by doing what I am now? These fears are what scare me now. I had long forgotten what fear meant, but now I remember. Death nor the fear of mortal injury make me afraid. It is the idea of failing at my purpose-- that makes me afraid.

But is not the fear of death linked to failure? No. I have done what I have wished to do in this life. There are many things I still wish to teach, many actually involving my route to death. For instance, I would die before using a gun to kill another. Even to save another 100. This foolery will lead directly to my death, but a small message remains. I did what is right. Now and forever. Likewise with my whole life. I am doing what is right and have made the world a better place while living. What more is there to do? I am infertile, no one depends on me, I won't be letting anyone down, I won't have any regrets. I will die happy.

But failing at my mission. That creates regret. That regret becomes fear. That fear becomes anger. That anger becomes hatred. And as we all know, hatred is the path to the dark side. Not my cup of tea, thank you.

But it was a dream. I have not let them down. I know this because I am still with many of them. In many ways more than I ever was. Certainly aided by being a happier and more internally just person as a result of leaving. I can be honest with them instead of being their teacher who can't say certain things.

So where did this fear come from?

Probably the chocolate caramel bar I ate before bed. Mmmmmmm.

Crippling depression

Sometimes I just need to escape into complete solitude. Normal, living human beings spur inside me a jealousy and a sadness I simply cannot bear. I uncontrollably break out into tears. I am not exaggerating.

Mid conversation, I get up and leave for apparently no reason.
"Where are you going?" My roommate asks.
"Somewhere else," is all I can reply with the faintest hint of sobbing in my voice. My acting skills have become rusty.

What causes it? Is it the ease with which other people are able to simply be that I cannot grasp? Is it the utter regret that my entire life spurs into existence? Or is it nothing at all that causes the teardrops falling like rain onto my iPad screen as I sit alone in the bathroom? One may never know.

The same roommate spoke to me as we were buying tampons, milk, and other necessities at the store. She said, "I wish there were more people like you in the world. Just helpful for no reason." To which I could only reply, "I don't... To have a person like me, you have to have the events that forged me and I would not wish those or any similar events on any soul, no matter what good came of it-- to do so would be sadistic to the point of damnation."

The most tangible silence of my life followed those words.

I'd like to hope that I am being over dramatic, but when I realize that I am sitting in my bathroom because I am quite literally unable to stop the tears streaming down my face, when my roommate comes in to try to cheer me up and I have to send her away because her presence is making me claustrophobic to the point of hyperventilating tears, ... I realize that I am not. The pain that makes me who I am ... is fucking awful.

As a suicide prevention moderator, I have been able to help others back from that most precarious edge, but not without its own share of risks. The other night, I dealt with a young girl with much pain and a knife to relieve it. I have moderated hundreds of crises with no problem, but her situation awoke in me something that I had thought was long behind me. I became paralyzed with something I could not explain. I couldn't help her. I knew what to say, but I also knew she would not listen. The only advice I could give would go unheard and I knew it. Everything felt futile and lost. I was returned to the place with no hope. I called for help and was assisted by a superhero named Remus. He helped me resolve her struggles for the evening, but my wounds were open again. I cried myself to sleep that night, unable to control the volume of my sobs. Again I was saved by a loving friend's comforting arms.

Given a poll of random persons who have interacted with me, I think the consensus would be that the world would be a worse place without me and what pain I must have experienced is worth it for what I have become and the good I bring on a daily basis. However, in the deepest, blackest portion of my existence, I honestly think that they are all wrong.

But I am not alone.

And for that I continue, for I know I never will be alone. To help another is to help thyself. There is no 'you' and there is no 'me.' We are all one and in each one of us there is all.

Meditation 101

Meditation can be by hard for people because they are not taught how to do it from a young age. The inexperience coupled with the lack of any common practices (besides mothafuckin "ooooommmmmm") leads many people to avoid it as would a daft man in a desert would avoid a cactus, unaware of the life-giving water held inside.

In my experience, the most important part of beginning meditation is to align the flow of energies up the body. I feel that once this happens, once this toroidal energy pattern is allowed to resonate through your body, the only other thing to do during meditation is to enjoy it.

One way to conceptualize this "aligning the flow of energies up the body" is through the chakras. Once all are aligned, the heart and mind form a field, pushing and pulling exactly as the Earth does. Scientifically, that healthy toroidal flow of energy is meditation. It explains the phenomenon associated with meditation anyway. The alpha pattern alignment in the brain, the realignment of the internal systems, the breathing patterns, and the simple joy of being are all, to me, explained by this energy field.

Without further ado, let's get started on how to open that path so that energy can flow and meditation can occur.

The lower ones first. For me these were the hardest to open but for most people they ought to be super easy. They are simply being grounded in the physical plane via the body. Simply breathe in and out once. Let your center fall beneath you into the earth and feel the chills. Whether you are happy with your physical form or not, this is possible. It is accepting now and every possible future you. Even if you aren't perfectly grounded in your body, you can be happy that you are making the changes to be so.

The middle ones extend slightly from the body into the world around us. These are the hardest because they are often forgotten about. People try to jump right to the crown and spiritual enlightenment as if it is something the body reaches. It is not. It is something the universe reaches. Once you are centered in your body you have to first center yourself in the world. Once you center yourself in the world, you can reach above. But that will come later.

The middle ones have to do with communicating with the world around you. Start with the heart. Think about someone you love dearly. Think about the magic they bring to the world and how they do it. Let yourself smile or cry at the thought. Then think about how that soul is communicated. Realize this communication is all we have. Realize that you are talking right now as you do this.

Only realizing that simple interconnectedness can the upper two be opened. But by now if you are following along your spine is aligned and you are probably sitting straight without even thinking about it. You close your eyes and feel all the life around you and all the beauty surrounding you. The last step is to gently let your head tilt back and point that inner eye skyward. That same connectedness extends in a new direction-- a direction that there are no words for.

I won't even try to describe it. I'll just let you go experience it. That is where meditation awaits you.

Ground yourself.
Connect yourself.
Set yourself free.
Those are the steps I have found to meditation.

Not ironically, when I was doing my polyphasic sleeping schedule I would look at each nap as not a sleep, but a meditation. I would enter this state and then my mind would fall into rem sleep, allowing my thoughts to slowly drift into the pure creative zone of dreaming. I am not sure that it was sleep, but I know I was getting my rem in. It was pure relaxation. It was all the rest I needed during those months with a scant 4 hours of sleep per day.

I'll post more about polyphasing soon. Tis a good topic for discussion.

Snake Oil Spirituality

Snake oil spirituality

Hokey so I had a fun conversation with roommates today. It was about "snake oil" spirituality. Her boss wrote a forward to a book regarding some "the secret" knockoff thing. The idea is that positive thinking and intention can magically get you what you want. My roommate argues that you can't just think something into reality, you have to act. I agree, but at the same time, when she called intentionality "snake oil," it got to me.

I personally experience a world every day where my perception and positive attitude bring many great things into my life. I would go so far as to say that everything that I want and need come to me. I have wants and I am working towards them always with action, but my positivity and faith have a huge part in what comes to me. From random encounters on the train home to things like working at Freshii and hopefully being able to move to my dream land due to it, my heart emanates a field that helps allow these things to happen. I don't believe in this, it is fact. I'm not sitting in a box waiting for shit to happen and thinking really hard, I am out being, but there is more than my will involved in the events of my life.

Now to her, this is total poppycock. She compares it to many religious dogmas that involve promises of grandeur and eternal joy in exchange for mortal goods invented by man-- that greed and materialism are the primary objective of these many religions and philosophies. Worse, that the existence of these religions is holding us back as a race.

Taking my normal stance of moderation, I don't think we should be overly spiritual, but I don't think we should be unspiritual either. Too much spirituality risks allowing others to take advantage of us as well as risks losing sight of our connection to the Earth and our affect on it. Too little disconnects us from that which is truly important and leaves us with nothing but beautiful chaos. Don't get me wrong, neither fate is awful or even bad. Yet, as with many things, go far enough in one direction and you end up on the other side-- both of these ends seem to me the same fate: a convenient disconnection from the truth which allows us to forget what Ishmael taught us.

Maybe this is just me, but I find all extreme views very dangerous. While a deeply religious person is dangerous in their own ways, someone vehemently against religion is as well just as dangerous in their lack of the things that spirituality does bring.

Balance in all things.


Our Sober Act of Duty

I think that maY Is yhe best

Sorry, a roommate/kitty interrupted me.  While I think that may is the best, what I want to say is this:

"Revolution cannot be simply a sober act of duty.  It MUST be a drunken act of joy."

Every living being ought to strive to make the universe a better place before dying.  I say this like it's a sober duty, but the truth is far from it.  The truth is that the only way to make the universe better is to let that joy inborn in us transform the world.

One often thinks that we need to fight and struggle to make the world a better place by changing the injustice and in a way being a martyr for a better world.  But the truth is that none of us need be martyrs to make the universe better.  The truth is so much simpler than that.  The truth is just that we have to be-- truly BE and the rest will sort itself out.  For revolution must be a drunken act of joy.  It is a sober duty that must be done, but it should not be done soberly... OR sober for that reason.  Speaking of--  *chug chug chug*


Master Plan

So I want to go to Canada.  I'm not sure why.  We've discussed it.  However, it is harder to do than I had originally thought.  One needs a Canadian work visa or some other thing.  I've tried to make the "has a relationship with someone there" card and it didn't work because it's kinda hard to prove you've had a relationship with someone who you've never really seen.


My master plan.

I work in a Canadian franchise.  I work a little longer.  I get a manager position.  I get some rep.  I request a transfer.

Request a TRANSFER.  It is fucking brilliant.



If you are reading this, I just want to say that talking to myself in this journal-thing is a little awkward because I never know if I sound like a complete idiot or not.

If you ARE reading this, first off: thank you.
But second: you should say something.  Email me or comment and be like "fuck you, you wrongity-wrongpants of wrongness, let me tell you what's up" or "hey, that's really interesting" or "HI, BLAGOSPHERE!" or "what if ____" or "you should try _____" or I dunno, anything.

Random happiness at work... then random unhappiness

There are some awesome things about where I work...
Nothing is more awesome than working at a store surrounded by vegetables all day.  Fresh produce has to be delivered and chopped frequently.  This morning, a very rushed deliveryman ran into the store as I was cleaning counters and dropped a bag of onions and cucumbers in my arms (yes, OW) and said, "thank you thank you, have a nice day," before quickly leaving.  I just can't get over how awesome it feels to just get to work with fresh vegetables all day and have random things like that happen.

But there are some annoying parts about it...
Today the whole team was in early working on a truly epic catering order.  We filled an entire car with a huuuuuuge catering order that was big enough to offset our weekly shipment so we'd have enough stuff for it.  But anyway, we got a 70 dollar tip on the receipt they signed for us.  The owner brings back the receipt and pulls 70 out of the register.  He gives me 10.  I'm like "lol what's this for" and he's like "oh that's the tip for the jar."  Our jar is split up every week evenly between our employees.  Like most franchises, we only accepts cash tips except on deliveries (which is really just compensating us for the delivery since there is no delivery charge), so it's really quite pitiful at times, yet it's enough to get by and we've really made it great... but not when our boss pockets 60 dollars.

When I think about business, I think about my tip jar...
The better we do, the happier the customers are, the more tips we get.  The same is true for our total sales, but the tips are the portion I have control over.  I take the tips and split it among the 5 of us evenly except on rare occasions of sickness or low hours where I'll pro-rate someone.  If I ever own a place, I kinda foresee running  it like that entirely.  Let's say we are doing decently and we are having basic $1500 days (which is about as low as it gets for our low-end estimate).  We work 5 days a week for 4 hours (excluding open/close) and we'll assume 4 weeks in the month.  So we'll make roughly 5*4*1500=30000 dollars a month.  Rent/utils is probably a good $10,000 a month?  I have NO idea, but we are in the financial district, so wtf we'll estimate.  We order food from a special place with bulk prices.  Each shipment is about $1300 and we do about one of those a week.  Contents vary a lot due to catering needs, but in all seriousness it doesn't NEED to be that high-- we keep getting shit we don't need and not enough shit we do need.  Let's also set aside $2000 dollars a month to fix shit.  Emergency UPS order, fridge needs to be checked out by a pro, broken printer, normal shit like that.  So we're at less than two thirds of our revenue even in this low estimate and let's actually round it up to that and assume we are spending $20000 to run the business.  Now we get to paying our employees.  Let's say there are 5 employees and myself (imaginary owner).  $10000 split 6 ways is roughly $1600 a month.  But to be fair, of the 5 employees, 2 of them work like 3 hours a day.  So maybe instead we should take that money and split it evenly among each hour.  Work an hour, get one share of the pie, etc.  So 3 employees work 30 hours per week and 2 employees work like 20 (high estimate again as one does in fact work 10 hours a week) and then there is me and I'll say I work 40 because I fuckin own the place and do everything behind the scenes.  40+30*4+20*4=240 hours total to split the 10,000 into making each hour of work equal to 41 dollars an hour.  That seems awesome, but let's say I'm an UBER dick and decide to say I work 24 hours a day.  Same calculation with my new "back breaking hours" (probably less than my employees) yields hourly wage for all employees is roughly 20 dollars an hour and my monthly salary would be $9600 or 115k a year...  Oh yeah, and that's like the lowest possible estimate of our wage.  On great days, we rock nearly $3000 dollars, I doubt our rent is seriously 10k, and we probably didn't really need to round up our operation costs from $17,200 to $20,000.  ---Oh yeah, and we'd still have a tip jar.  And I can betcha we'd earn more tips (that I wouldn't take 60 of the 70 of) if we ran the business that way.

Would it work?  Would people buy into working for me when I'd tell them upright that our wages would be dependent on how well we work as a business and really let them in on how well we were doing?


Dancing as an Art form

I made the mistake today of showing this to a dancer.

After watching it she said, "well fuck, dance as an art form is now ruined for me.  Nothing real will ever beat that performance."

The piece is one of those things where they had some dancers and recorded it and had the animators draw over it however they pleased.  The result has characters growing wings, becoming water, stopping time, and disappearing at will.  Combined with the already beautiful choreography, music, and message (yes, never forget that piece, for even the most beautiful thing is nothing without it), this piece brings to life everything I could want and more from a performance piece.

That being said, I don't think that dance is ruined.  The other me screams from their long lost slumber in another dimension.  This other me reminds me that many bodies simply joy to dance.  Where my body joys from fulfilling my purpose, some bodies simply joy and find purpose in moving to and creating art with their bodies.

Art forms, technology, our very ways of life, -hell- our lives themselves, are all evolving day by day and decade by decade.  Is one way ever ruined by the one that comes next?  Yes?  No?  We all have so many thousands of examples one way or the other.  But in the end, there is only one example that is as of now without answer.  Death.  Will that change in our way of life (if you can humor me and call it that) ruin what we had?  Or will it, like this video, EVOLVE the very way we are able to look at and create?

Time will yet tell for every person reading these words.  Hope you enjoyed the video as much as I did.


Hahahahhahaha, yeah right.

Our menus are so vast and intimidating that frequently people sit there for a very long time just getting through it and deciding on what sounds good.  Occasionally, customers will ask me what item is best.  And of course, I tell them :3

The best item on our menu is the Buddha Satay bowl but you do some stuff to it.  The bowl starts off with rice noodles topped with a choice of protein, bean sprouts, spinach, carrots, broccoli, peanuts, and some spicy satay sauce.  The small changes go like this: take out half the noodles and replace them with quinoa, add some avocado, and put it in a plastic bag to toss it before making it into a burrito instead of a bowl.  When tossed properly, the quinoa and noodles really suck up the sauce and distribute it evenly and lightly over all the vegetables which become the centerpoint of the burrito.  The avocado just ... makes anything better.

So I've been teaching this burrito to our customers and one person was like, "you should name it the Cody Satay".  I laughed and played along like I normally do.

Today someone came up and was like, "hey, I was told I should try the Cody Satay".  I plugged it in and sent it on its way.  They greatly enjoyed it.  I smiled a lot.  ... It's totally a silly coincidence, but I kinda hope it catches on as one of our burrito choices so I can be compared to Buddha every day by hundreds of customers.  :P

The Troubling Tao

There are many statements in the Tao that are sometimes ironically hard to live up to.

"Do your work and then step back.  That is the way of the Tao."

The philosophy here is straightforward.  First, know your work.  Know what it is you are here to do and do it.  Then know what isn't your work and avoid working too hard, for if it is YOUR work, it will exhaust you perfectly.  In the mornings, walk forward towards your work, start when you get there, work because you love what you give to the world.  Know what your work is and the pace will set itself.  A comic book artist knows they will need 10 years to create their masterpiece doing a full page every day, yet they do it because the joy of the art would leave if they did more.  At the end of the day, be like the comic artist and leave the story on your desk.  Come back tomorrow and tomorrow until it is done.  When it is done, don't hang around and stagnate over it.  It is done and you will find more work.  Step back.

But this can be very hard.  My problem is knowing where my work ends.  I know what my work is and I love it.  Yet I don't see any boundaries to it.  I don't see the boundaries of what I can and what I cannot do.  No.  I think I can see that much, but I don't see where I should stop.

I do my work... and then I go and do more work.  Sure, I never stagnate or dwell on my past work, that is good.  But it's still bad.  What I need to do is know where my work ends.

Go to work, let my work with people lead me simply to do and step back.  Go home, let my heart lead me.  Some days art, some days games, some days stories, some days more helping people.  Yet all with the caveat of knowing that my work will end today and begin tomorrow after rest.  True rest.  Restful in body AND in mind.  I must leave the work on the desk.

*breathes in*
*breathes out*

Let's try it today.