Another nightmare about school. I was not teaching, I was subbing or something. So I was much more laid back. I was talking to my students about how much the grading system sucks, but praising where it came from. They agreed like most pubescents about the ills, but I was beginning to open some eyes with the goods and transitioning into how to transform things constantly in order to keep up with the world.
Weird events in the school were occurring due to water I think. The principal came in and asked if he could interrupt to talk about "that event with the note" I had no idea what he was talking about but I could smell trouble and was terrified.
Apparently, a student had taken a note I had written about going to get an apple and changed parts of it into something bad and posted it on my website. I argued that I have not updated my website in months as per our agreement. He still pursued.
This student was also causing the massive electrical and water leaks in the building. And now I had no idea where he was now that an alarm was about to go off. Huge bad juju as he was my responsibility if the worst were to happen.
I felt awful. I felt like I had failed my students. This feeling haunts me. Ever since deciding to leave, I constantly wonder and worry what if. Would their lives be better if I had stayed? Did I not make a promise to give myself to others? How am I living up to that promise by doing what I am now? These fears are what scare me now. I had long forgotten what fear meant, but now I remember. Death nor the fear of mortal injury make me afraid. It is the idea of failing at my purpose-- that makes me afraid.
But is not the fear of death linked to failure? No. I have done what I have wished to do in this life. There are many things I still wish to teach, many actually involving my route to death. For instance, I would die before using a gun to kill another. Even to save another 100. This foolery will lead directly to my death, but a small message remains. I did what is right. Now and forever. Likewise with my whole life. I am doing what is right and have made the world a better place while living. What more is there to do? I am infertile, no one depends on me, I won't be letting anyone down, I won't have any regrets. I will die happy.
But failing at my mission. That creates regret. That regret becomes fear. That fear becomes anger. That anger becomes hatred. And as we all know, hatred is the path to the dark side. Not my cup of tea, thank you.
But it was a dream. I have not let them down. I know this because I am still with many of them. In many ways more than I ever was. Certainly aided by being a happier and more internally just person as a result of leaving. I can be honest with them instead of being their teacher who can't say certain things.
So where did this fear come from?
Probably the chocolate caramel bar I ate before bed. Mmmmmmm.