Updated at least twice a week! (best catchphrase EVER)


A new take on an old story? Or an old story that had a new take?

Everyone remember that tale about the Tortoise and the Hare?

I won't waste much time reviewing the tale, but basically the Hare is incredibly fast and somehow the Tortoise, who is very slow, gets challenged to a race and accepts and the hare is so confident that he hops like 5 meters and gets tired from going so fast then takes a nap or some shit and the Tortoise who is slow and steady wins the race.

I hated that fucking story.  Sorry for swearing.  It never made any sense.  One, why would the Tortoise accept the race?  Two, the hare is faster; why wouldn't it win?

Part of me says that these are the tropes we teach our kids because they are just good kid stories.  They aren't.  Kids are brilliant in ways we just aren't brilliant in anymore.  If we understood that, we'd tell many different stories.  I'd tell the Tortoise and the Hare story like this:

Once upon a time, there was a very confident Hare.  She was so fast that she could outrun the sun and always have the sun on her back if she wanted.  Her speed was legendary and everyone knew how fast she was.  Everyone including the great green Tortoise.  Now the Tortoise is an incredibly slow creature.  Even under water where he is fastest, the Tortoise swims very slowly, but always has a nice big smile on his face.

One day the Tortoise waits for the Hare to hop by and stops her and says, "Hare, I would like to challenge you to a race."
The Hare laughs out loud, "Tortoise, my speed is legendary, I can outrun the sun, I can go all the way to Paris and back in a single afternoon.  What possible challenge can you pose?"
"I may be slow, but I can go all the way to America.  Can you run there?"
"No, but we are talking a race of speed, not a race I cannot finish.  I won't let you cheat me, oh slow one."
"I challenge you to a race to our respective homes.  I assume you can find yours from here?"
The Hare is stunned, "Of course I can.  It is in a tree in London not far from here, but why would I race you when I KNOW I will win.  You are a sea creature and I must assume your home is in the Ocean which is even further away from here than my house is.  Since I am so much faster than you, I am assured to win!  Why waste my time?"
"I will wager my 150 year life span.  If you win this race, it will be yours."
The Hare cannot believe her long ears!  She may be fast, but she only has a few years to take in the glory of the world around her, so she goes fast to see everything she can.  "And what if YOU win."
"Oh, it is no big deal, if I win I guess you'll forever be in stories as the fastest Hare that lost to the slowest Tortoise."
"No, Tortoise, I will go down in history as the oldest AND the fastest Hare in the world.  I accept."
Crowds of creatures from far and wide gather.  Birds fly screeching overhead.  Mortal enemies like Apes and Tigers sit next to each other to watch the race.  They yell in unison, "3. 2. 1. GOOOO!"
The Hare darts as fast as her legs can take her.  She could outrun the sun twice over at this rate.  She's running, running, running, and suddenly a Hawk swoops down in front of her.  "Hare, you have lost the race. I shall lead you back to the Tortoise, follow me."
"Impossible."  She cries.  "There is no way he won unless he cheated!"
"Come see for yourself."  The Hawk flies majestically back in the direction of the start of the race.  The Hare follows.
She arrives to see the Tortoise sleeping in his shell exactly where she left him.  "Is this some kind of JOKE?"
The animals all yell together, "See he sleeps!  See how content he is!  He is home!"
The Hare cries out, ashamed in her obvious loss, "No!  I can nap anywhere I like!"
The Hawk lands and squawks, "You lie!  You are only able to sleep when in your home beneath the tree."
The Ape pounds his chest and adds, "You are too paranoid and in a hurry to get anywhere and cannot even sit to enjoy the wonders of Paris.  You are too focused on making your time to there and back as fast as possible to enjoy it."
The Tiger growls, "I can run very fast too, but at least I pause to give myself a bath once in a while."
The Tortoise finally wakes with a yawn, "My friends, please that is enough," he says as he walks over to the Hare and gives her a hug, "can't you see that you hurt her feelings?  She can only sleep beneath her tree because she has no shell like me.  She is paranoid because she is very small and very fragile.  She is focused on making her time because that is how she survives."
A tear streams down the Hare's face, "Then why DID you race me?"
The Tortoise replies with the same smile he always has, "Because it is something I had never done and wanted to try.  Maybe one day you can sit on my back and I can take you and your family to America."
The Hare smiles through her tears.  "OK.  I'd like that."

In other news, my dreams made no sense last night.  They were DRENCHED with emotion, yet their plots made no sense.

In one, I was a dog and I was trying to help a girl who reminded me of Terra from Final Fantasy running away from Sephiroth (I assume because he was casting Meteors on her as she ran).  I would warn her by running near her and nudging her away from where the meteors would land.  I could have easily ran away as I was much faster, but I stayed and helped her slow human body escape.  Near the bottom of the mountain, he lands and I just lose all sense of self-preservation and tackle him and start biting as hard as I can.  In a last attempt to keep her alive, I explode brighter than a star.  My body no longer exists, but I still feel my shape.  I close my eyes and fall backwards. My only thoughts are on her safety and how I wish I could have done more.  I don't hit the ground, I fall and fall and fall and begin to spiral in towards the center of the Earth.  I feel source and know everything will be alright.  I see her for just a moment as she arrives safely at a safe house.

In another, ... yeah, no I'm not even going to try going into detail.  It involved a little girl who could bend reality and at the end of the dream everyone tried to convince me it was all a lie.  But it couldn't have been.  I dunno.

Anyway, peace all.

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