Updated at least twice a week! (best catchphrase EVER)


Hearthstone hijinks 1

Hearthstone is an online card game in the style of Magic: The Gathering.  It is a free to play experience based on the legendary WoW and by the same creators at Blizzard Entertainment.  That being said, I take no credit for the characters although I will be using them to tell stories that may as well be fan fiction.  I will be taking what I remember of a match of Hearthstone and retell the battle how it appeared in my head.  None of this should ever be cannon and it should NEVER be published for the whole world to see, so let's make some mistakes today and hope for the best.

The first one is about a match I had with a Jaina deck I created in the image of the philosophy of Aikido.  There is a lot of area crowd control and powerful spell 'movements' to clear everything my opponent throws out at me 

Reporting to you LIVE from Pandaria region 6 a veritable army of Stormwind craftsmen and women camp as Malfurion himself stands in violent protest to any who draw near.  Word is that Jaina Proudmore herself has come to make sure this valuable war effort is executed.  The craftsmen are here to create windmill arrays for-- wait!  Here she comes, ladies and gentlemen, here she comes.  Out from the tents like a goddess of blue and silver, she stands at a mind-blowing 6 foot 1 and her white hair, ladies and gentlemen, that hair is the stuff of dreams.  Let's send the sight owl down to listen to what they have to say to each other, shall we?  Looks like we'll be able to catch mosth of Jaina's first words.

"--you are not listening to me!  No harm will come to the forest!  We use science, not some study none of your tweeting blue birds cheeped at you at the crack ass of whatever dawn you heard whatever hippie crap is making you stand here now.  You asked for this."

That was the longest sentence I have ever heard, ladies and gentlemen, but you heard it here!  Jaina backs the safety of these turbines and so should YOU!  But wait, the wind is blowing on Malfurion gently, that means he is about to speak.  His absolutely astounding purple musculature is wreathed by a coat of pine needles and the ageless remains of a tabard, unrecognizable to my history.  Ladies, cover your eyes if you want to remain attracted to your husbands!

"Leave the forest at once.  This project will harm the forest according to the tweeter known as Phillipa. There must be another option.  No.  There WILL be another way.  I must protect the wild."

Without warning, Jaina's mana wyrm charges forward and begins a long and painful battle with a tango ironbeak owl.  The wyrm's magic will be no good near the mysterious screeching of that owl!  The wyrm comes out victorious, but Malfurion finishes it off with a wrath and looks rather pleased with himself.  Jaina cracks the smile right off his face with a sly firebolt to the beard.  It will take more than that to take this monster of an elf off his feet, but something tells me that was supposed to be a shot to his pride.  

Looks like Jaina was up to no good after all with that firebolt, for when Malfurion retaliated with a spell of his own, she countered it.  His primal magic spirals out of control in a flurry of green and blue wisps. What a sight!  Cool under pressure, fighting for a cause that is right, this is the Jaina Proudmore we know and love, ladies and gentlemen, but what's this?  Here come the beasts!  Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my goodness, they are pouring out from everywhere.  Whatever tweeter tweeted this completely untrue report on the safety of these windmills sure rallied an army!

Jaina is calmly back stepping through the streets of Pandaria, freezing and delaying foe after foe.  For every minion she calls to battle, Malfurion calls 3, but well timed cones of cold and frost novas appear to be giving Jaina's forces the upper hand, despite her backwards movement.  I can't tell where she is going, but she must have something up her sleeve.  She is retreating in a spiral pattern drawing all of Malfurion's damaged forces into the town square!  AND THERE IT IS!  The flame strike to end all flame strikes on the field with a wild pyromancer in the field is demolishing everything!  Malfurion furiously kicks a post and a Pandarian windkite goes flying.

Malfurion's forces are gone, ladies and gentlemen!  The vast influence he poured into those creatures is just gone.  The dust is settling now and it appears that Jaina's gnomish apprentice, Susva, has somehow survived the inferno.  Maybe this little one will have what it takes to become the next hero of Stormwind, but I am honestly not placing any bets on her.  Malfurion prostrates himself before what remains of Jaina's forces and is bowing his head to the earth.  I think we are seeing game over here to a single gnome on the field-- BUT WAIT!  A coin is popped and out of the earth, a monumental Ironbark Protector has risen!  I have never seen one before in person-- it must be 30 feet tall!  The thick, ironlike bark forms around inexplicably beautiful blue spirits I can only imagine to be its eyes.  A fateful wind blows this day, ladies and gentlemen.  Autumn leaves cascade down onto a stunned Jaina.  Is this war effort to be put on hold again?  Stay tuned to your sight owls to experience it as I do!  

Jaina is pacing around the awakening oak.  She looks absolutely miffed!  She throws out an Ice Lance to freeze the massive oak and settles her apprentice down.  Jaina appears to be in deep thought just feet outside the swiping range of this frozen monolith.  Wait.  What just happened?  Did she just send out a firebolt arcing into the sky?  I believe she did, folks.  My staff tells me she even sent it out along with a /rude gesture.  I barely noticed that one, did Malfurion?  Let's wait and see!  ... No, ladies and gentlemen, he is resting by a tree thinking of his next move!  Aaand it hits him right in the back of the head!  He is furious, ladies and gentlemen, this battle may be far from over!

Whatever few beasts must be left in this forest pour out into a still burning town center and Jaina's blizzard freezes everything in their tracks.  Susva takes one for the team and sacrifices herself to imprison the gargantua not protector.  Jaina is on the offensive now and her momentum is astounding.

Out of nowhere, a very peculiar bluish white light surrounds Malfurion as he begins to summon Centarion himself!  I can't believe what I am seeing!  Folks, I have seen some strange things in my seasons, but here I see that TWO Centarions have been summoned and are apparently attacking each other along with 4 identical Treants.  Jaina is really something else.  Reading the desire to call forth this old friend, she copied Malfurion's spell word for word, twisting his magic on the fly to create an illusory double!  The dust seems to be settling down and I spy two dead Centaurions.  This is a sad day for the centaur people twice over.  

After all that chaos, all that remains is Tim, Jaina's massochistic warlock she met in Booty Bay.  Jaina is repeatedly setting him on fire!  Those screams you are hearing are not pain, but pleasure.  I don't know what kind of sick game is playing out here, but I just hope Tim cares as much about the cause he is risking life and limb to achieve as he likes being struck by that woman.  Tim's dying breath comes as a relief to my ears and my goodness, Jaina is laughing maniacally.  Only these two heroes remain on the field of battle and she taunts Malfurion to do his worst.  The spirit if the forest sends down two charging tigers right on top of her!  This looks bad, people!  Jaina is out of reinforcements and appears defenseless!

How mistaken I was!  Jaina is covered with a barrier of ice, just barely keeping her alive, but how is she going to finish this without anything to break through?  Nevermind, Jaina was just giving Malfurion one last chance because here comes the pyroblast.  The blast hits Malfurion like a full horse drawn carriage and he goes tumbling, very clearly unconscious.  That is the game, ladies and gentlemen.  Let's send our sight owl in discreetly and hear what the victor has to say to the defeated.

"Well played, Druid.   I may be the victor here, but our goals are aligned.  I do not want to see this forest harmed any more than you do.  Perhaps you could help oversee this construction with your wise council."

"My thanks to you, human.  Your conviction to protect the wild guided your steps to victory this day.  Phillipa was right, the proposed project is faulty, but her followers were trolls.  I did not need to oppose this construction, I need to ensure the balance of nature and use nature itself to aid against our greater enemies.  I accept your generous offer."

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it: peace has been achieved!  After all that violence and death, a few key words from Jaina's vast intellect and the old Druid is now helping erect the first bio mechanical hybrid machines that put tree farms in trees so that you can grow trees while you grow trees.  The windmills pull natural water up to the trees as well as spin the gears of war in small war factories below.  A win-win for all involved.  This is certainly not what Stormwind wanted, but I will not be the one to go down there and tell Jaina she should follow orders, am I right?

Makes you wonder why she didn't just ask for his help to begin with?  Tim might still be alive to creep everyone the hell out.  Susva might still be Stormwind's Top Apprentice (great show, tune in at 8 tonight).  Dozens of mighty animals might still roam this town.  This town might still have a windkite, farms full of vegetables, and a town square unravaged by flame and frost.  I don't have the answers, folks, so until next time: This is Stormwind Sentral News, signing out.

1 comment: