This second hijinks took place when I was testing out a new priest deck. Anduin the priest is a very strange young man. In the sea of armor clad orcs with biceps larger than a human chest, hunters who have tested themselves in the harshest wilds of Azeroth, and women who could sunder entire armies without breaking a sweat, the ninth hero of Hearthstone is a mild mannered bean pole of a prince named Anduin. Today's deck capitalizes on his ability to buff and heal an army tempo that the mightiest board clear cannot break while mind controlling and converting enemy forces for efficient mana and card trades while simultaneously having draw power literally off the charts, dipping my hand into the enemy's deck to play their own cards against them. Many matches go to fatigue, but so far most have gone in my favor.
The game featured a player who yielded every turn to me. Usually when a player disconnects, you just win, but this game the enemy warlock just yielded every turn until I beat him into a pulp. I felt bad. I almost conceded twice just because fighting an unarmed man, even my mortal (yet undead) enemy, just felt wrong. I powered through though. Let's see what my imagination thought.
Greetings, Anonymous. I am Edwin Van Cleef live on VTV and I am interrupting your mainstream media coverage to bring you the truth. Tonight is the highly anticipated Mr. Stormwind competition in downtown Stormwind city. Tonight, the hero of the Horde and nightmare from the Undercity, Gul'dan, has bought access into our city to take part in the proceedings. Tonight, security is so tight that not even the SNN can get close to this battle. But tonight-- tonight, the truth will be unveiled. One of my SI-7 agents got an owl's eye view of the people's decision on the matter and it is coming to you now, just moments after the showdown, to help spread the truth of the corruption that poisons Stormwind's deepest wells.
For those if you living in ignorance, Gul'dan, the undead and sworn enemy of Stormwind, has gained entrance into that once great city by donating thousands of gold to the Mr. Stormwind competition. I don't like this. Either Gul'dan is planning some form of subterfuge for the horde or he is willing to divert thousands solely to see Stormwind's finest men in bikinis. I don't know which is worse, but the truth is all I come here to offer.
To make matters more confusing, the people have chosen Gul'dan to fight for pop idol, Fernando Trollbane, against the reigning Mr. Stormwind, Leeroy Jenkins. Why is this confusing? Follow the money! Gul'dan's money is ALWAYS on Leeroy. VTV recorded footage shows Leeroy time and time again aiding our enemy and ensuring victory in many Murlok-filled zoo storms. This relationship built on greed must end.
This is why tonight I take you dangerously close to the battle to show you the truth of what happened. Anduin's true face may inspire you or disgust you, but prepare yourselves; this footage is not safe for the weak of stomach. So rarely do we get to hear the words of battle uttered in real time, but words offer the means to meaning, and for those that listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is that there is something terribly wrong with this city. My name is Van Cleef and this is VTV.
Here we see the two combatants alone in the streets of old town. Gul'dan stands imposingly at the door of the pub as Anduin approaches from the West. The district is off limits to ALL but the combatants. Never stopped me, has it?
Anduin is seven kinds if creepy, if you ask me. He may wear the banner of the light and the crown of that once great city, but that boy's shadow magic and knack for absolute mind control puts him on even footing with the master of shadow magics himself. This isn't a battle of good and evil here. That's just what they want you to believe. Anduin calls his brightest cleric to the field. Her dark skin is far too beautiful for the battlefield. Her buffs are strong, but against this warlock, I would be expecting HUGE early aggression. And yet, Gul'dan stands motionless.
"... Greetings." Anduin's words pass again over uncaring, rotten ears as he calls a rabid worgen to his side. The girl and the dogbeast begin to beat the defenseless, speechless undead.
"Why do you not fight, warlock?"
Gul'dan speaks, his words briefly perforated by pathetic kicks to the shin and limp, unenraged claw swipes. "I fight for the honor --smack-- of Fernando. If I win, he is crowned --oof-- Mr. Stormwind."
"Then fight, vile abomination! May the light guide the most beautiful man to be crowned through victory!"
Holy light smites Gul'dan to his knees and he raises his head directly into the wrath of these two weak minions. Anduin is not capitalizing on this free tempo advantage, but continues to order his friends to beat the helpless undead. "Look at yourself, lightbringer, last week, you were to stand here and I was to stand there, what changed?"
"The people have spoken and nominated me for this competition for my devotion to Leeroy."
"Please, you used him ONCE to pull a victory out your bishop's hindquarters. I sense the deception in your heart. Give into the dark side, Anduin."
On cue, the so-called holy avatar's eyes begin to glow purple with unholy energy and his mind blast burns negative energy wounds into Gul'dan's flesh.
"No. I refuse to listen to your lies, snake! I'll never join you."
"Oh? But you already have, my dear boy. You have betrayed Fernando by not standing for him."
"And you betray Fernando by not fighting when you are called to fight for him."
The warlock smiles, the pitiful clawing, scratching, and burns hardly even stopping his speech. "Then our goals are aligned. Leeroy is the rightful heir to this title and the mass media will spin this victory my way. Leeroy will not lose his power and nothing you can do will stop it."
"No!" Anduin visibly reels from Gul'dan's words. "Everyone wants Leeroy nerfed. What if I lose-- what if I concede?"
"You won't. You can't. Your people need you. To show you cannot win in your very own city against an opponent with no minions will show just how incapable you are to face me in the Undercity. Your ranking on the ladder depends on this victory. Your reputation as a prince depends on this victory. If you concede now, all of Stormwind will know of the coward, Anduin Wryyn, who concedes to his sworn enemy in an attempt to siphon power away from one of the realm's most abused 6/2 charge unit with a blatant political scandal involving the most popular owlvision show on the air."
Anduin's diminuitive beauty strikes the hardened war criminal with a closed fist and retreats, cradling her injured hand.
"Who knows? You might even be accused of an affair with Fernando."
"Why are you doing this? I see no owls, you seem to have everyone silenced and me between a rock and a hard place. Why? How? For what reason?"
The warlock's eyes grin with pleasure to spill the beans. "I'm still alive somehow. Sure, I'll tell you. Leeroy must not be nerfed. I have sold countless stacks of dust and fraudulent arena passes in order to orchestrate this trap for you, your majesty. When Leeroy wins by the hand of Stormwind's most eligible bachelor/prince (although we both know that is a crock of Tauren shit), there will be no way to nerf him without enraging the public. I get paid by Leeroy, Leeroy gets paid by me next time he and my zoo destroy all your feeble friends. That's right, young Anduin. Your friends will die. Take your minions. Take them and STRIKE ME DOWN!"
"NOOOOOOO! I will defeat you and speak publicly on this deep corruption. Your kind should never have been allowed in our great city. Prepare to meet thy doom." Anduin's rage refreshes and yet these two minions are still the only two on the field even now on turn 7.
"What are you doing, seriously. Just get this over with."
Anduin awkwardly heals his cleric's bruised hands, "... I'm trying, actually. All of my powers are designed to counter and manipulate the cards you play. My hand is full of cards I literally can't use unless you deal damage to me or play a minion. My Northshire cleric has 14 health despite her 1 attack."
The unenraged worgen pants and wheezes.
"This just got awkward." The warlock goes silent and accepts his slow beating humbly.
Anduin's best and brightest has trouble keeping her assault steady on turn 8 when Anduin finally unleashes a greedy, ninja-rolling gnome to deliver the killing blow.
Gul'dan is defeated and Stormwind celebrates what they have heard on the SNN, but now, Stormwind, you know the truth. If you've seen what I've seen, if you feel as I feel, meet me in Westfall, one year from today, and we shall give Stormwind a fifth of November that shall never EVER be forgot!