Updated at least twice a week! (best catchphrase EVER)


Trigger warning

(the following is a stream of consciousness from a time when I was not feeling like living.  Following the official rules of the internet, I'm not going to warn you that this may be triggering because I very may well have triggered you earlier because we are different people and have different triggers)

The thought of taking one's own life is always a logical one.  It is justified and irrefutable.  No matter whether it be shame or purposelessness or mourning, some emotion suspends you in the air by hooks in your skin and your eyes are peeled open to truly see exactly WHY you do not deserve to live.  After a hundred hours of evidence, death's repose begins to feel like MORE than what you deserve-- as if you ought to be SO GRATEFUL for death because you feel that your life is worth less than the dirt you'd be shallowly buried in.  Logic continues to bury you alive and this truth sits on your chest literally and figuratively like a fuck ton of dirt.  You cry and curl into a ball, but you are SO relieved.  Death is a gift now and it is the only thing on the shelf that your life has enough value to purchase-- the only thing you have truly earned and a truly beautiful adventure to come.

Your life flashes before your eyes.  You subconsciously find a solitary moment of happiness from your memory you thought you'd long forgotten.  Your lizard brain rages against the dying of the light and you scream through heavy heaving and gasping sobs.  The noise is nothing like what you normally sound like, but it is the singular most "you" sound that has ever been made.  This yawp reminds you that you exist, but you find that you are now empty.  Your life has no value anymore.  Everything you do from this point onwards is outside the bounds of fate because you are supposed to be dead.  You dedicate your life to helping others.  You piece a shell for yourself together from the fragments of the memories of former you.  Are you you or a memory of a story you read?  Are you feeling emotions or are you following a contrived response pattern?  Who are you?  It doesn't matter anymore.  You don't deserve anything, but you are ok with that.  You couldn't take anything anyway if you wanted to, for fate has another home for it.  What flows to you flows through you to where it is needed.  In defying fate, you have become its agent.  You are humbled and a smile appears for the first time this night.  Tears erupt forth as you become lost in the experience of a joy so infinite as to be indescribable.  You are humbled one last time by this joy.  This joy and belonging is something you don't deserve, but you got it anyway.  This joy is something you must pass on to the one it is meant to find.  

And then it hits you and you realize you were wrong all along...  You aren't a fateless being hijacking the system, you were a pawn after all and a pawn who is burdened with much joy to pass around.  This joy you have found is something you GET to pass on to the one it is meant to find.  You realize that all the logic that lead you here was wrong and yet you are thankful because you are entirely changed because of it.  Your cup is now empty and in every moment you cradle, hold, and release the water of the world.  Your tears have subsided.  It is time for action.

Yep.  Things look so hopeful!  But then it hits you that you fall into this exact same pit like once a month.  Good luck with that.

Post Blog:
Please don't be worried about me or anything.  I have so much help and so much anchoring me to my path that I am more than immune to this beast I must battle periodically.  I believe we all visit points like this in our lives.  I share this one with you to offer a moment of solidarity in our connection and our sameness.  You are NEVER alone, dear reader.  For your reading this has put me in your thoughts forever.  Good luck with that.  

No comments:

Post a Comment